101 Ways to Get Punjabbed by Erik
by Theater Raven
Summary: A list of absolute no nos when residing with Erik.


**101 Ways to Get Punjabbed by Erik**

1. Take off his mask. When he asks for it back (after raving like a lunatic for half an hour), you "accidentally" lost it.  
2. Make a Christine voodoo doll and torture it in front of him.  
3. Put a giant neon sign over the mirror in Christine's dressing room—"ONE WAY PATH TO ERIK'S LAIR. PLEASE, NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY"—and make sure it's noticeable.  
4. Put _Don Juan Triumphant_ dangerously close to the paper shredder.  
5. Show him Christine and Raoul's wedding photos.  
6. Tell him Christine and Raoul have invited you both to Christine's baby shower.  
7. Start singing "This is the Song That Never Ends" when he's composing.  
8. Change the tune in his monkey music box from "Masquerade" to "All I Ask of You".  
9. Clog up the organ pipes.  
10. Show him pictures of Raoul and Christine's children.  
11. Steal Christine's wedding dress. Wear it. Stalk him in it.  
12. Spell his name with a _C_.  
13. Invite the Persian to live with you.  
14. Show the Persian Erik's diary.  
15. Ask Erik, "Can Daroga be our children's godfather?"  
16. "Accidentally" lock Erik in the torture chamber. Videotape it.  
17. Have a Christine piñata on his birthday. Fill it with pictures of Raoul.  
18. Build a Raoul doll and put it next to the Christine one.  
19. Buy Erik frilly underwear for his birthday/Christmas.  
20. Buy Ayesha a mate.  
21. Have a lavish wedding for the kitty couple. Have Daroga be the priest.  
22. Tell him you want to name your first son after Daroga.  
23. Take apart _Don Juan Triumphant_ and put it back together so that it's upside down.  
24. Translate said opera into Japanese and replace the original with it.  
25. Take pictures of him while he's sleeping.  
26. Post excerpts from his diary online.  
27. Constantly remind him Christine still hates him.  
28. When he finishes playing one of his compositions and asks for your opinion, say, "What?" and take cotton wads out of your ears.  
29. Set him up with a blind date and make him think it's Christine when you're actually setting him up with yourself.  
30. Tell him you'll never reveal any of his deepest, darkest secrets and immediately go spill them to the Persian.  
31. Pretend to be Simon from "American Idol" when he asks for your opinion on his work. British accent and everything.  
32. Tell him you think his life's story would've been better had he been born with a normal face but raised by rats.  
33. Have Ayesha eat all the rats so there's no more need for the Rat Catcher.  
34. Invite Gaston Leroux for an exclusive interview with Erik. Don't tell him about it until Leroux is fifteen minutes away.  
35. Invite Andrew Lloyd Webber for an exclusive interview with Erik. Don't tell him about it until Webber is fifteen minutes away.  
36. Invite both Leroux and Webber over on the same day.  
37. Wear his mask and cape.  
38. Take pictures of him when he's bathing.  
39. Replace all the candles with electric lighting.  
40. Say, "Dropping the chandelier wasn't that impressive."  
41. Say, "This place is boring. When can we go out?"  
42. When he has the nerve to finally take you somewhere, say, "This place is boring. When can we go home?"  
43. Put ketchup on yourself and pretend you're hurt.  
44. Splash around like a madwoman in the lake and scream, "I thought you said there weren't any sharks!"  
45. Say, "You're old enough to be Christine's dad."  
46. Say, "Was it just me, or were there sparks between Daroga and Christine?"  
47. When he's in the shower, bang on the door and yell, "It's an emergency!"  
48. Call him _Mac_, _Buster_, or The Phantom.  
49. Offer to lend Ayesha to elementary school kids as a class pet.  
50. Buy a dog.  
51. Name the dog Raoul.  
52. Drink the lake water.  
53. Laugh at everything he says.  
54. Act offended at everything he says.  
55. Offer to count/pull out his gray hairs.  
56. Flirt with Daroga.  
57. Tell him you're in love with Daroga.  
58. Scare the crap out of him on Halloween.  
59. Redecorate the lair while he's sleeping. Get Daroga to help.  
60. Tell him that Christine divorced Raoul and ran off with the milkman.  
61. Practice karate on him.  
62. Make him a food he hates for dinner.  
63. Act offended when he refuses to eat it.  
64. Have random—and really bad—mood swings.  
65. Insist on playing the organ. Do so off-key.  
66. Sit in the gondola singing "A Pirate's Life for Me".  
67. Sing "It's a Small World".  
68. Start a sing along with two above songs.  
69. Invite everybody in the Opera over for random sleepovers.  
70. Videotape him and send your results to "Funniest Home Videos".  
71. Put him on "Candid Camera".  
72. Offer him to play for random charity concerts. Don't tell him until the last minute.  
73. Select a rat. Name it. Love it to death. Love it more than Ayesha.  
74. Drill holes in the gondola.  
75. Start singing random Broadway tunes—any other show besides PotO.  
76. Ask, "Does this make me look fat?" constantly.  
77. Go around picking up random stuff in the lair and dramatically exclaim, "Ooooh, this would be perfect in a yard sale!"  
78. Tape the monkey's symbols together.  
79. Throw fish food into the lake.  
80. Exchange his mask with random masks from horror films, carnivals, etc.  
81. Paint the lair pink.  
82. If Ayesha has kittens, give them to an animal shelter.  
83. Ask him his cup size.  
84. Tell him Don Juan was a stupid topic for an Opera.  
85. Demand chocolate. Constantly.  
86. Say, "It's hot in here."  
87. When he adjusts the temperature, say, "It's cold in here."  
88. Say, "I'm bored," every ten minutes.  
89. Tell him while looking at pictures of gorgeous male models/actors, "_He'd_ be good to play you."  
90. When he offends you, gasp and say, "Raoul wouldn't say that!"  
91. Knit socks, scarves, hats, etc, for Raoul and Christine's kids.  
92. Tell Raoul and Christine that their kids can call you Auntie (Your name here).  
93. Tell Raoul and Christine their kids can call Erik Uncle Erik.  
94. Offer to babysit Raoul and Christine's kids. For weeks at a time.  
95. Have a lot of fun with Raoul and Christine's kids when they come over. Say when they leave, "We should do this more often. Remember, you can come over whenever you want, as long as you want!"  
96. Make Erik hug them goodbye—a bear hug.  
97. Take forever in the bathroom. When he bangs on the door, yell, "I'm putting my face on!"  
98. Sometimes when doing number 97, come out wearing his mask.  
99. Buy him bunny slippers.  
100. Tell him Daroga asked you to marry him.  
101. Sign him up to be on the Dr. Phil show. Don't tell him until the last minute. Have you and Daroga accompany him.


End file.
